is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just found puke in my bra..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
