i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize