i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
