Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
bring money and cleavage
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
