My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
