We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize