Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
