spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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