She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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