i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
