I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
