i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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