my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
