Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
