I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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