3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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