You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
