and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
