just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
