The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
