When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
