is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
