You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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