theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
