I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
