remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
