I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
