Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
