I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
