I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
