her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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