Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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