Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize