when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
