I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
