Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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