Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
