DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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