She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
