Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
