Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
