Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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