i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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