I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
