Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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