The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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