apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm passing your future prison.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
