I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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