Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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