That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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