It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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