hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
