her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
