My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize