I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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