That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
